Tuesday, May 27, 2008


People, don’t be surprise to read this blog post because this is finally my confession to y’all.
To tell the truth, Unfold, a song by Marie’ Digby, is actually very much related to my life and that’s why I watched the video over and over when she first posted it online and I put the song on repeat when I first downloaded it (yes, from YouTube) and that song happened to be the song I played on my guitar over and over every time I got home that I think my whole family has memorize the guitar pattern already.

Unfold is her way of saying how she finds it hard to open up to others around her. That’s why she’s singing, “Watch me Unfold...” because she has decided to finally let her guard down. Well, that’s not the part that’s kind of like me. I think those who know me know how open I can be that I got scolded about it sometimes. :p Heck, what am I doing here telling the whole world my life story if I’m not the unfoldED type. But the thing about me is… I tend to push away those people I’m close to. No, I’m not being dramatic, that’s the whole truth. When I get close to someone, unintentionally I would do things that irritate them to their deepest skin. I guess that’s why I appreciate so much the close friends I have because I know how hard it is for them to stick with me through my ‘karut’-ness. Usually the way I would do it is by being too emotional, too sensitive. I realized that when someone is just an acquaintance I don’t give a damn if that person calls me a fat, cry-baby pig (okay, that’s an image). But once I start to realize that a person could have an impact on my life, every single thing he or she says or does could trigger the wrong side of me. I say ‘could’ because I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is that could make me sad.

But when I think about it, that’s the childish side of me that I wish to throw as far away as possible. Something so insignificant can be a big deal to me because as I explained earlier, it’s just my defense mechanism working against those who are close to me. Not because I hate those people. It’s far from that! But the perfectionist in me is simply not ready for people to see the real Syaza (not ChEsZa). That’s why I kept pushing those close to me away. But what surprised me most all the time is that usually these people that I unconsciously pushed away are those that decide to stay and strangely enough they are also those who find my ‘too sensitive’ side fascinating. And that fascinates ME. Thank you.



ijad said...

citer apa tu...

Farah Alias said...

syaza!!i decided to leave cmment here instead of ur box shout out.
i don't know what exactly i wanted to say but i wanna let you know,i love as my friend so much and i don't want 'kehilangan' you!once i decided to do that,i'll do anything for it!i've known so many people but knowing u leave me a different sense!i cherish ur existance in my life!really babe!
so take and accept me as ur friend and for who i am!

p/s:syaza!u're fine aren't u??i'm so worried la bout you lately,i don't know,since u wrote the respect post!if u've anything,let me know tau!

ChEsZa said...

hey farah, thx so much for ur comment =') nah, i'm ok, just been doing a whole lot of thinking. like i said, i'm sick of playing nice so i'm doing a lot of thinking lately of what i'v done n what i'v gotten back. conclusion is i'm just gonna do what i do n pray for the best. if people dont like it they can feel free to leave because i'm not staying either :)


Farah Alias said...

good to know that u're fine now babe!seriously.
syaza.don't worry ok.just ignore person who didn't cherish ur existance and what u've done to them because they are not really good friends.
u still have me and others yg pandi nk appreciate u!:)
love u syaza!:)