Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Depression?

To those who chatted online with me yesterday (27 Nov) would realize that I was really depressed last night. I was feeling so sad, so down, and the most annoying part was that I was feeling that way for no apparent reason. “Some things don’t need a reason…” – someone. But I guess there are actually a few explanations to my sudden plunging of emotions. I won’t go in too deep of those reasons but I think some of the contributions are how I’ve been crying every night, counting down to the days when I’ll be left alone for a month and half without the four closest people in my life and the fatigue finally catching up with me after four days of relatives coming in and out, and me going in and out. So, I was quite grumpy and really….down. That is all the word I can think of. And the thought of me going back to my old habit (which I won’t tell you what) even flashed through my mind for a millisecond. But I quickly pushed the thought aside. The conclusion is I was very sad last night.

Now actually, I just got back from driving around. Yes, that’s what I usually do when I’m sad/bored (remember that one time in INTI?) I took my car; with my loud music blaring to the maximum volume my ears can tolerate (yup, Britney’s CD and all.) I drove around and then when I finally have no idea where else to go, I decided to go to Ampang and up the hill to a place where my friends and I love to go to before. That place has monkeys EVERYWHERE. There were not just one or two but there are (place correct quntitative noun for monkeys here) of them. Post-SPM, my friends and I used to go there to give the monkeys nuts and just watched them do their thang just to forget whatever drama we were having. But obviously going there alone was not that much fun to feed the monkeys, so I just drove on… But being there reminded me of the “problems” I used to have back then (and by this time my CD changer has settled on my Christina Aguilera’s CD, which reminded me of my SPM days…) Why I used inverted comas was to show that even I am aware that these so-called problems are only in my head. They’re not real, I know. And now, after months, those “problems” seem so insignificant, so petty. Thus, I was taken back to my present situation. I am a huge believer that time heals everything. And I guess, give it time, whatever “problems” I am having now will seem petty one day… sooner or later, right? =]

As I was driving back, I listened over and over again to my favorite Britney Spears’ song from her new album called “WHY SHOULD I BE SAD? :)

I don’t need to be sad. I can CHOOSE to be happy. As I read back my own previous entry on FAITH, I'm reminded that I need to have faith in God that everything will turn out okay in the end. Just keep on praying, and things will eventually be okay. Therefore, first of all thank you to my Whitey for always being there for me without fail (except those few times you don't want to start, haih...) But most importantly, thank You dear God for showing me the right path over and over and over again.

-C-

p/s: These are some of my old pictures of the place.



I think that's a female...hehe.
And that's me!


That's Shila, up close and personal with a baby monkey.



And...us.
p/p/s: Quoting my own writing, "it is easy for me to get mad at someone but it is also easy for me to calm down. It is easy for me to be sad, but it’s not shocking to see me smile the next second. " you've been warned =)

Monday, November 26, 2007

No One

With my hand I try to grip,
Something not mine, not even anyone’s.
I live in a lie that surrounds
this space I’m in. “Is it any fun?” you asked.
The answer lies neither with me
nor with anyone.

I can’t think of big words to express what I’m feeling.
Maybe because I don’t deserve
to explain
how severe,
This calamity I’m in.

Where is my angel?
Are you out there?
Or have you always been with me?
Is this fair, then
What I’m going through,
Just for me to see, and to witness
how cruel this world can be?

Save a spot for me, please
Either down here on earth or up there in the heavens.
I need to belong.
Somewhere that I belong; but where do I belong?
Anyone
Guide me, please
Till the end of my story,
All through my darkness,
Where I believe I belong
not with you. Not with anyone.


-C-

p/s: note that this poem has NOTHING to do with how I'm feeling =)

Thursday, November 22, 2007

TAG

Syar tagged me =)

-How old are they?
-Where are they currently?
-How long have you known them?
-Tag 5 people !



Asilah a.k.a. Shila my babe
She just turned 18!
She' studying in UiTM but now at home
I've known her for...5 years?



Sofiya!
She's 18 going on 19, 10 days before me!
She's...you're at home now, right (Bangi)?
I've only known her for *count on fingers* 5 months.



Haziq :)
He's 18
He's studying in IIUM but in PJ
I've known him for...11 years, and counting



Elly Smelly :p
She's GOING TO TURN 17
She's also at home (Subang)
As Sofiya, I've only known her for 5 months


Diana or also known as Lady D (no more strange little girl)
She JUST TURNED 17 :)
She's also in Subang...supposedly
And again, I've only known her for 5 months.

Question(s) Time :

Would You Rather…Party with 1 or 5?
- Partying you say...BOTH! Serious!

Date 1 or 2?
- 3 cannot ah? Since he's the only guy...

Make out with 1 or 3?
- Ooh tricky one... I'll leave it to your imagination :p

Cuddle with 2 or 5?
- 4! Because I know how much she loves to be cuddled :p

Have kids with 3 or 4?
- Better 3. I don't want my kids to be wannabe rock stars when they grow older.

Live with 1 or 3?
- Again tricky question but I'd have to say 1 :)

Be stuck on an island with 2 or 5?
- 2! At least Pia won't need that much time for makeup (kidding D!)

Has 3 ever hurt you?
- Ooh......Yes

Have you ever hurt 4?
- Aww, have I ever Elly? No, right??????

Can you beat up 5?
- Totally! See the height

When is the last time you saw 2?
- Erk, just a few hours ago.

Who is the smartest?
- Tricky. I'd say Elly since she pass the SAT mock test :)

Does 2 smell good?
- At least she smells better than me, that I'm sure.

Who Has The Better…?

Smile
-Pia! She NAILED it people!

Body
- Zig, you got this one. Those days you played cricket paid off okay.

Face
- Face...Diana because she has one of the weirdest face I've ever seen (in a good way!)

Attitude
- Elly... I dunno, I just thought of Elly when the word attitude pops... I wonder why...

Voice
- PIA!

Clothes
- SHILA! Babe you know I ADORE your wardrobe.


Now I want to tag:
1. Sofiya
2. Elly
3. Diana
4. Lils

22nd November

Just got one picture to share with y'all :)


Aah... I love my girlfriends so much. (Sorry ah Pia, who asked you to do your makeup while we were taking the pic during the first time.) Wanna play spot the difference? What are some of them Di, apparent happiness, tembam-ness... :) But for me, the word I'd use to sum it all up is how we're OBVIOUSLY much more comfortable in our own skin :)) BIG BIRD!

-C-

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

NEW LOVE!

Move Ben Deignan! I have a new love now! His name is DAVID SIDES! And again girls, I discovered him therefore he's MINE! (For the record, Ben is still mine eh Elly, Pia :p)

Monday, November 19, 2007

Obligation

I just read a book called Allah Is Not Obliged by Ahmadou Kourouma. Or its full title is actually Allah Is Not Obliged to Be Fair about All the Things He Does Here on Earth. Doesn’t just the title makes you want to grab for it? Actually the book is really heavy and dark. Really dark, in fact. But I really like how the author connects the story with the title all the way until the last sentence. It makes sense, don’t you think?
I think that’s the problem with the most ungrateful of human beings. They think since they’ve been good, they’ve done everything by the book, thus things should go as they wish. The answer is simple. Allah is not obliged to be fair about all the things he does here on earth. Keyword: on earth. But, he might reward you in the afterlife. Correct? So stop complaining and start living life with faith intact. I honestly think that’s what optimism is all about. Faith. Even in your darkest moment, have faith. As we know, Allah is Al-‘Adl, which means “The Utterly Just.” For me, just knowing that is enough for me to smile. When you are in the deepest and darkest moment of your life, don’t for a second go, “Where is God? Isn’t God supposed to be kind and loving?! Then why is he doing this to me?!” Remember, he’s not obliged to be fair to you on this earth, but if you’re patient enough, you’ll taste your sweet reward insyAllah up in heaven.
Actually, that’s just part one of my rambling. The second part begins now. The reason for my entry today is actually to say even I am not obliged. But in a different sense, of course. I am only obliged to God the All Mighty and my parents. Besides that, I choose who I want to be obliged to and who I don’t want to. One thing you need to know about me is...I’m easy. Like I told a certain someone, it is easy for me to get mad at someone but it is also easy for me to calm down. It is easy for me to be sad, but it’s not shocking to see me smile the next second. And it is also very easy for me to like something or someone but it is easier for me to hate something or someone once I’m taken advantage of. Therefore, I just want to put it very clear here that I am not obliged to make you happy unless I want to. This is the dark side of Syaza you would seldom see.

Isn’t it obvious that someone had just opened the Pandora’s Box?

-C-

p/s: Good job Syaza =)

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Pictures

Testimony of love among my friends...

Don't tell me you guys don't get this picture...

My own yin and yang. My black Lost, my white Libby.



-C-

p/s: Just wanna add that I'm crying tears of joy right now. I didn't kno so many people care that I wasn't online. And I'm crying seeing how amazingly well my friends did on my quiz. And I feel like I'v just meet an old friend back :')

I'M BACK!!!

I'M BACK AND I MISS Y'ALL SO DAMN MUCH BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY I MISS MYSELF AND SO GLAD THAT I'VE FOUND THE ME I'VE LOST! :))
OH MY GOD I've been on hiatus since I consciously stopped going online a week ago! But I'm very happy because that was the plan. To do none-online related activities so that I can find the things that TRULY define Syaza Farhana. :) Yes Sofiya, I remember I did that dance and told ya I NEED my internet connection. I should realize by then that I've already strayed away from who I truly am. Yes, I love the internet but the internet is only a luxury. I started getting hooked when one by one of my friends started leaving for college... But since most of you guys, my readers, took my True Friend Test quiz you should know that I actually love meeting my friends face to face rather than chatting. And chatting has not been good to me for the past few months. Too many misunderstandings (right, Iman?) and I just hate the rollercoaster ride it took me on. Stupid bubble.

So anyway, I decided to take a 'vacation' away from all this facade and lies and simply put, away from CYBERSPACE. I decided to get in touch back with my human self. To talk, move, meet up with the people I love, have real conversations, see real stuffs and breathe fresh air. Aaah... I miss it. I miss sleeping early, getting up earlier (I used to love waking up early and watch the sun rise together2), eat breakfast (and not brunch. I  hate brunch because then I won't be able to eat my three/four meals per day), watch TV/DVDs, play my guitar marathon, actually EXERCISE, READ some good books, dance and just fool around! Ah I miss my old self!

Since I've been gone (ooh I should put Kelly's song), these are the things that I did:

1. I spent time with my lovely cousin, Kak Yong. She actually stayed with us for a few months last year. Therefore, spending time with her reminded me of how I used to know my priorities and was always strong enough to say NO.

2.Then right after she left I went to Kota Kinabalu. My trip taught me of respect. As the baby of the family, I've always spent time with adults and I was reminded of the way I used to think back then. I saw my life from my old perspective again. (And may I add that I did not shop at all! Shocker!)

3. Then when I came back I found out who were the ones that are sincerely concerned with my absence from cyberspace. Oh you people know who you are! I love you guys so much for your concern! :')

4. I also spent some quality time with Haziq, my dear friend. He taught me to laugh again in my life. And to appreciate the simple things in life. Such as having breakfast at McD in our 'selekeh' t-shirts.

5. But the best part of my 'holiday' was... when I surprised my best friend on her birthday. (I threw a surprise party for her last year too! Shila next year you better come to Nilai! :p) I've been planning with her university friends to surprise her and she was really shocked when she saw my friend Adilah, and I (we came all the way from KL, ok). Oh, her happy tears were priceless. Especially when she muttered, "You guys are the replacements..." while we were hugging and crying and her voice was muffled. I love you Shila babe, forever and ever. The next day we had breakfast together and these people reminded me of the optimist, happy-go-lucky girl I am and there's no reason why I should NOT be. There's nothing for me to complain about in this life :)

6. After breakfast Adilah and I head back to KL for our high school 'reunion' at KLCC. I LOVE YOU PEOPLE WHO ROCKED MY WORLD FOR TWO YEARS!!!!!! I had a blast chatting and laughing and just basically catching up. And these groups of people, they remind me of how friendly, bold, and crazy I can be when you know which of my switch to turn on ;-) Now I'm tired but it's all worth it.

All in all, I learn basically that a lot of things define me. True, EVERYBODY says that about themselves. But the most important thing to me is, no one person, no one thing, no one event of time solely define Syaza Farhana. ESPECIALLY not the internet. No, nuh-uh, nehi, la, tidak. Even if my laptop falls into a river, my desktop got stolen, my dad's desktop and laptop are locked in some dungeon and all the cybercaf├ęs nearby got burned down, I can still be happy. In fact, I might be happier.

-C-

p/s: But there's no picture of proof to any of these because I forgot to bring my bro's camera to the places I went to!

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Bubble; Final Episode

It’s dark. And it is raining heavily.

I wipe my face slowly with my bare right hand as I squint up into the sky. In the darkness, I can’t make out a single star. My hair is dampened on my cheek by the rain. I’m thoroughly wet but still, here I am, standing in the middle of this runway with a glow stick in my other hand.

…Oh I can see it now! There, there! My bubble is finally emerging from the dark! I lift my glow stick happily as I signal for it to land. I jumped, excited of the prospect of my bubble finally landing. But...wait!!! Why are you going back up there bubble?! It’s dangerous, bubble! Come back down to earth now!!! The wind is merciless of you bubble! …No, no, no, no, no!!!

I ran as quickly as I can for it but then, in front of my own two eyes, I saw how the lightning struck my bubble. It bursts violently. The remnants of my bubble join the rest of the coming rain. There’s nothing I can do. I stop and lift my hands; two palms up and squint into the sky. I'm late. I wait until it starts raining to call my bubble back to earth even though I know the risk.

I fall on my knees and cry.
I’m shivering, but obviously it was not caused by the cold.
I sob, but obviously nobody can hear me in this thundering rain.

Sincerely,
-Syaza Farhana Mohamad Shukri-

Saturday, November 3, 2007

I'm Here



I don’t need you to love me
I don’t need you to love

I got my sister
I can’t feel her now
She may not be here
But she still mine I know
She still love me

I've got my children
I can’t hold them now
They may not be here but they still mine I hope
They know I still love them
Got my house it still keep the cold out
Got my chair when my body can’t hold out
Got my hands doin' good like the s'pposed to
Showing my heart to the folks that I'm close to
I got my eyes though they don't see as far now
They see more 'bout how things really are now

I'm gonna take a deep breath
I'm gonna hold my head up
I'm gonna put my shoulders back
And look you straight in the eye
I'm gonna flirt with somebody
When they walk by
I’m gonna sing out
Sing out yeah

I believe I have inside of me
Everything that I need to live a bountiful life
With all the love alive in me
I’ll stand as tall as the tallest tree
And I’m thankful for each day that I’m given
Both the easy and the hard ones I’m livin'
But most of all I’m thankful for
Lovin' who I really am
I’m beautiful
Yes, I’m beautiful
And...I’M...HERE

-C-

p/s: I cried the first time I heard her sing this, that's why I want to share it =')

Thursday, November 1, 2007

FINALS

Week in review

Monday : ENL was in MPH together with everyone under JPA. It was okay I guess. The questions weren't hard, but knowing Miss Judy and her style of giving marks, and then thinking back to my coursework, it's going to be a tough fight to get an A.

Tuesday: Calculus! My favorite subject! Mr Fo did not lie when he said if we just study the assignments and quizzes and tests we will be alright. The questions are really similar to the ones we've done. So, I finished and left early.

Wednesday: Psycho, the dreaded 'reading' exam to most of us. It's tiring because with psycho we have to read almost everything. But it's worth it, as the questions are not that hard at all! In fact, I was reminded of answering the History paper for SPM.

Thursday: Chemistry, another one of my favorite :) It's a bit harder than expected, but I think I did okay. Not that it was hard, it was just I guess I underestimate it a bit. Still, I left early cause I PLANNED to go home early.

Now is just time for us to pray and wish for the best when the results come out. Till then, this will be a dedication to my fellow friends who I won't be seeing for two months. One semester down, a few more to go. We have succeeded in getting through this crazy adaptation stage and now have a better understanding of how life in INTI works and also how each of us corresponds to one another. After this, we don't know when we will meet again, though. Maybe next semester, maybe not. Maybe we'll stay here a few months, or a few years. But whatever it is, remember, the memories that we've made so far are priceless to me and I am very glad that I made it with you crazy people :)

-C-

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Kuala Lumpur

Today, as I was driving from Nilai into KL, I suddenly felt this pang of overwhelming feeling as I saw the glimpse of the twin tower, the KL tower, and also the famous haze that I knew so well.

Kuala Lumpur is my hometown, my love, my EVERYTHING. I've seen Kuala Lumpur went from a small, kind of a timid city, grew into what she is today. Can I say that I am proud of her? I remember when I was young, before there was an MRR2, whenever we got back to KL from Ipoh, I would be really delighted at the first sight of the tips of skyscrapers as we drove through the hills into the city (I know it sounds dramatic because it does) as I know I was home. (Sorry that I'm bad with the names of these roads, but I DO know these roads okay.)



In KL, I feel very safe. Very protected. As if nothing can REALLY harm me. How funny is that, eh? KL - where the crime rate is increasing every second, where people are murdering each other in cold-blooded ways, where people are also bombing their lovers into pieces, and also where people are raping their own children - is the place where I feel the most safe. Even during those times when I got lost in KL in some small, scary alley, and with no prior memory of it, I could still whistle as I try to find my way out of it calmly. Because I know, I was still home. This big city just does not scare me. On the other hand, it teaches me a lot of lessons instead. In a city where there are more than 2 million people, it is really hard to trust anyone or to feel safe or be accepted easily by the society. But the very moment that you do, you know you have found the key to a rational living :)



But you wanna know the really best part of MY hometown? The thing that I love and don't wanna exchange it for anything else. The one thing that I would stand up for at any time of the day when challenged. I, Syaza Farhana, am proud to admit to the whole wide world that I come from the old side of KL. The old side where the buildings don't rise as high as those in Damansara. The old side where the shop-houses are not made of glasses or some modern design. Instead, traces of colonial times are still visible at some places. The old side of KL where when you say gerai, you will see a booth with an atap roof instead of modernized wooden booth. The atmosphere of my hometown is one of having the best of both world. I am living in a huge city but from where I come from, the people still talk of KL about how it was decades ago, instead of just 'years ago'. (It really is a kampung to me, one way or another.) The new KL, where some people are so proud to be part of (understandable, as that's THEIR hometown) are only as old as I am. I guess maybe it just doesn't appeal to a History buff like me who appreciates the beauty of time. OLD SKOOL ROCKS!



Although I may be moving to Nilai in a few years time, KL is my real hometown. KL is where I went to school, where I met unforgettable characters, where I first experienced the taste of freedom and the consequences of it. KL is, simply put, where my heart is.

...I'm so gonna make full use of the two months I have now :)

-C-