Wednesday, September 12, 2007


In less than 48 hours, I got two people saying I look mature. It's very interesting to me as I took it as a compliment. I don’t know, but maturity has been like the story of my life since forever. It all goes back to way back when I was still in primary school and I can proudly say I’ve totally come a long way since then :)

See, when I was younger I used to b very confident that I was so much mature than most of my friends. I don’t know why, but I just felt that way. Maybe because I care for my friends too much (someone once repeated to me over n over again that one thing that's totally special about me is that I care, sometimes, too much...) that I love looking over them and was like the big sis and kind of be mature because of that. I mean, I can’t afford to fool around as I know they 'look up' to me. And then this 'idea' of me being mature was confirmed when I was twelve. I followed my mum outstation once where she got work to do. We were having dinner with her friend and I remember the friend was shocked when she found out I was twelve. My mum replied, "Syaza is very mature because she's been sharing the same room with her aunt since she was nine." Although I never tell this to my mum but at that moment, my head was going, I am mature to her eyes!!! (Plus one other thing about me is that I remember stuffs, even insignificant ones to moments that changed my life)

But then, as I went through my adolescent years, through all those 'rock-chic' phase, those unstable phase in life, I realize that heck, I'm not that much mature! If I was, I would not have made the mistakes I made and I would have not hurt so many people in my life. I realized then that I was in a self-discovery journey. I made LOTS of mistakes and learn from them. (I always say this, I'm not proud of what I did, but I'm very proud of how I carried myself through EVERYTHING) Back then, I tried looking at myself from other people's perspectives to try to understand myself and consequently better myself. People often questioned me, why do I change for people? I can’t say this enough. I don't change for random people, but if the people I love and care about like my friends and family, if they say something believe it or not I'll take to heart. I won’t mind changing aspects of my life that need to b changed. Oh the journey for me was not an easy one. I fought with about everyone, disapprove of many ideas and cried countless nights. It took me almost 4 years just to get out of it. But now, I'm glad of where I am!

Now, I do believe that I'm mature. But of course I'm not the most mature person in the world. I'm still learning and listening to what people have to say but why I say that I'm mature is because I'm not as...kabut, as I used to b. I'm, calm, and collected. Before, I had a very BAD TEMPER. Very! Oh God, if you trigger the wrong side of me you're totally going to get a taste of it. Now I no longer get mad like that :) And back then if things don’t go my way I would cry. And then pout. And then basically have a bad mood all day long and hurt those close to me. Thankfully, I no longer do that. Nowadays, I just put a smile on my face and try to accept other people's...differences. If I do not agree with someone, I TRY not to raise my voice or it’ll get ugly... There's actually a lot of reasons why I think I'm mature and why I think I convey that side of me best. Maybe because I'm very opinionated about life. But you know what, I think sometimes that's the immature part of me. Sometimes I appear to be too strongly-opinionated and can't accept other people's idea. The thing is, I'm a debater myself n I believe in that EVERYBODY has his or her own sets of opinion. We can exchange ideas, but I would NEVER try to 'convert' people to my ways of thinking. Anyway, most people think that mature equals to being open-minded. For me that's not the case. I'm open minded in that I can accept other people's view, but for me, you can’t be too open minded that it hurts others. That's plain selfish.

Why I decided to talk about this was because last night, Sofiya, Lilian and me, (Wenli was too quiet!) were talking about stuffs...important stuffs that lie close to my heart. Oh I love having those conversations. I used to have it all the time with my babe, Shila. We used to ponder a lot about life... And we both do a lot of readings, and I know she's very much mature too. She can totally stand on her own too.

Anyway, my favorite quotes EVER is this (though I can’t remember who said this!), "If you're smart, you don’t stand on a mountain and shout it out loud, instead you stay in your cave and people will find you as they KNOW you're smart." That's what I'm trying to do. I don’t want to flaunt it. I love being the underdog. Have been one all my life, and am still one now :)


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