Saturday, July 28, 2007


Wow! After reading my previous entry and after reading my psychology textbook, chapter three (yeah, I just read it, sorry Dr. Fulton!), I finally understand my situation! It's of the Gender Identity and Sex Typing! :) Like what I wrote, before even knowing of it, I’ve known of my gender identity around the time I went to school and realized that I am to an extent A GIRL! (However stupid that may sound to you.) And, according to the cognitive development theory, my sex-type finally catches up and I was motivated to acquire sex-type behavior of a female. That's how I turned from a flat-out tomboy (who was against skirts!) to the lady I am (I do love flowing skirts now :))...

I guess I'm not confused anymore. If you ask me who I am, I'd answer "I am a girl", if you ask me what I like to do, I'd answer "I love to pig-out with guys who won't judge me like some girls do", but if you ask me my preference, I'd answer "I LOVE HAVING THE BEST OF BOTH SEXES IN ME!" :)


Friday, July 27, 2007

Equality...or not?

I think it is finally time for me to tell you the story of Syaza Farhana: The Confused. It's not really about confusion, just... something I'm still in learning of myself. Self-discovery is a never-ending process, no? But still, is it really time to put myself out there? Perhaps.

I'll start from the beginning. Everybody who knows me knows that I only have one other sibling which is my one and only older brother. So, when I was younger, and not yet in school, my brother was my best friend. Not only him, but also my cousins, Man and Sri. I wont deny that I was also close to my girl cousins too such as Nana and Kak Pura. Plus, I do have a girl best friend back then, Anis. You can say that I had a balanced relationship between both genders. But I can safely say that most of the time I play with my brother, Man, and Sri. The two were always sleeping over, and they always want to play something that requires an even number of people. Thus I was always dragged into it, not really complaining though. Slowly, I turned into a tomboy. I think everyone that saw me grew up can testify to that. I used to be a tomboy, and very much proud of it. I played soccer in the mud and climbed trees at the playground. I think what shocked people the most was my carelessness on...caring. I don't care what people think. I don't care if I got dirty. I don't care about most things except that I am accepted by the guys. I remember my mum once said, "It's because you have a brother, you have to b a bit tomboy to get along." And I have nothing against it.

Of course then I grew up and went to school, and it dawned on me that I was not actually similar to them. I am a girl. So I started to hang around more with my girl friends (this is when I was in primary school). I love playing with barbie dolls, dress-up, and everything else imaginable. But still, at the back of my head, my unconscious is shouting that I was still the loud and hyperactive kid I used to be. But I cant do much about it because I was had a strict ustaz, Ustaz Wan. Back then, we were not supposed to even TALK to the boys, much less spend time together. So that was kind of who I was then.

Later, I went to secondary school. The experience shocked me a bit, I got to admit. Most of the other students came from SK Lembah Keramat, and they are very friendly with each other regardless of gender, age, or anything else! I was amazed by it. I thought everybody was supposed to be brought up similarly to us SKTP-ians (children's SCHEMA my fellow psychology classmates!) At first I was a bit shy, until I was in form three, dropped Arabic, and went to the next class. I remember till today how, for example, when my classmate then, Khaidir, would greet me, and I would be thinking what should I say back?! Till in the middle of the year, I was like that, until finally I befriended a classmate, A'ai. Till now, if someone asked me my turning point, I would automatically answer A'ai. A'ai is a special person to me (although we don't speak to each other often anymore). He was the person that taught me to be myself and not care what others think because there WILL be people who appreciate me for who I am. We enjoyed each other's company especially when talking about the underground music scene, which I can't really share with my girlfriends. I guess that was it. My love for music. I don't do soccer, but I know music. And guys are comfortable when they know I play the guitar.

After that, the only word I can think of is, I blossomed. Blossomed how? I became more confident with myself. I can talk to both males and females with a steady voice, and a steady gaze. I can basically see everyone as equals, and that there is nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes people think I am too loud or not easily embarrassed, but the thing is, I don't really care because I see all of my friends as just that, friends. That was it. I enjoy everyone's company. I got to admit though, that up till that point in my life, I was still pretty much a lady's girl. I LOVE spending time with my girlfriends and gossip (heck I still do!). But at the same time, I'm not you would think of the word 'lady' when you first met me. But I'm proud and happy of myself. I don't care if there are those who think I'm too over, because for me I was just being. I wont say, "I am living however way I want to," because that would be selfish and I do think of the consequences to my family's honor and to my love, Islam. I choose the word 'being' because it is how I live, and not what I do, that I am proud of.

Anyway back to the original topic, my point is to say that I am now actually very much comfortable with both guys than girls. You may say I'm over exaggerating when I say I am now more of a guy's girl, as I still do laugh my heart out with my girlfriends. But somehow, though I do understand why girls act and do what they do, I still don't understand why they succumb to it. For me, if there is a better way to it, there is. I guess I realizes all this during the seven months after the SPM examination and before I went to college. I realized that I like being in the presence of my guy friends. It is much more laid back, and i can totally pig out if I want to. What I like about guys is that when they want to talk crap, I can totally dig it, but when they want to talk life, i love it more. Of course it is not all pretty. There is also a down side: when they started talking about girls. I think they would sometimes forget that i am in that category.

The point I'm trying to get at after this much rambling is that, sometimes people would be shocked to find out that I DO get guys. I GET what they're thinking, what they actually mean when they say something, and especially I get how to soothe them. Sometimes I do wonder, why am I so much like a guy? Sometimes I would come to the conclusion that I got 90% of my dad's genes (this fact is reaffirmed after learning about genes in bio.) Of course I love playing the guitar as he does, and I love pressing the accelerator to my MANUAL kancil hard! (ROAD TAX!) But that could not be the answer because in then end, I AM still a girl. So my conclusion is, get to know me better if I freaked you out during our first meeting. I might not really know how to talk to girls except through gossiping and exchanging notes, but remember, I'm still a girl, and I do understand myself well. More important, don't think I'm gatal or a bitch when you see me hanging around with five guys and talking about nothing in particular, because I love the company of guys so much. Like what we studied in Psychology, children development is based on both nature and nurture. My genetic make-up is a girl, but I grew up spending a lot of time with guys. Seriously though, I love being friends with anyone and everyone. Trust me when I say, I DON'T JUDGE PEOPLE.

A guy's girl, and proud to be one.


Wednesday, July 25, 2007


Well, today started of normal. Like nothing special. It was an okay/normal day. The fun started during our ENL101 class I guess. We have to find a picture from a newspaper and describe the pic to another group for them to imitate it. For half an hour, it was an 'interesting' class...

But the best part of the day came later on in the afternoon. All JPA's AUP student had to go to a briefing by Mr. Jamie Dragon from the U.S. Embassy on our Visa application. But that's not the best part. The best was when Ms. Dot announced to all of us that we're going to have to drop Economics or CSC!!!! I'm going to drop CSC!!!! So happy!!! Although I dun mind studying about computers but hey, who doesn't like one subject less to learn :p especially the fact that now on Wednesdays there's going to be a lunch break :) n then Thursday class will start 10.... And then on Friday i can go back at 12!!!!!!!!!!

My happiness is short lived. Something happen tonight that I do not dare to story. Let's just say i HOPE I have everything under control. Stupid road tax.....

Oh and by the way I’ve finished reading Harry Potter! Towards the ending only one conclusion came to mind.... I want a boyfriend! Just kidding!


Monday, July 23, 2007

My funny day!

Let me start my story around 7 am this morning. I woke up today, still in my lovely room to the realization that, I have to get to class precisely three hours from then! Thank God I'm SYAZA FARHANA, I can get out of bed at 7.15 and still get ready by 7.30 if that's my target.... fully bathed of course people! Anyway long story short, I got out of the house around 7.40 am. Ok, I thought no need to rush...until I came out to the mrr2 highway where there's a long jam. What do I expect right, coming out of the house at office hour? After the Sg. Besi told however it was clear... before that I got to admit that i was shocked that towards Cheras there was no jam! First time in my life! So at the KL-Seremban highway I sped as fast as I could, urm I mean, as fast as my KANCIL cud and arrived at my room, gasping for air, around 9 am. Ok right? But still, insaf... I'm only coming back to Inti on Sundays after this so that i cud get up late on Monday morning as my class starts at 10.

Anyway, about today's title, it really WAS a funny day for me! Gosh it's been long since I laughed like I did today. If any of my ex SMKSK friends are reading this, you should know what I mean. There's always those days when I'll be laughing from 7.30 am all the way until 1 pm. It's normal for me. A few facts you should know about me:

1. I LOVE to laugh, tremendously!
2. I laugh...LOUDLY!
3. Sometimes it's best for u not to b in my presence when I’m having my fits
4. When the laughing bug bites me bad, it's BAD.

During my SAT (V) class today, it was a bit...boring. I guess not just today, I’ve come to realize's not one of my favorite class. It's ok...

After that class we went for lunch and I think that's when it all started. Sofiya and I met with Noryan, a crazy little girl! Oh gosh I can't forget the things she said and the way she said it with those innocent looks! The best is when I asked her, "Eh, is there any handsome guys out of the JPA students?" And answered confidently: "Ade...!" Me: "Ramai ke ko nmpk?" N: "Xnmpk sorg pun lg." Aduh! U may not get it but I can’t stop laughing!

Later was our chemistry lecture. I was giggling the whole time. Especially when Ms. Pari started it... She was calling for 'Wan'. We expected it to b Wan Naim, but instead she called Wan SYAZA. (Later the girls told me Zaim's reaction.)Of course la the rest were going "ooo" but the reason I laughed was 1st, Luqman called me Farhana which somehow I found funny because I bet not many know that in fact is my name and 2nd, after I had answered the question Lilian went "Umbrealla, Ella, Ella, Eh, Eh." Only those who understand will understand that! Go see her message at my shoutbox! Lilian!!! :p And then I seriously can't stop laughing. Luqman was making stupid jokes. And when it was break time, Zaim turned to me and said "Syaza, I got a new name for you." Oh I can't say it here. Sori ibu! Sori papa! Censored! During ENL I continued laughing like hell... Oh God... The old Syaza is slowly surfing...


Then, after class we went straight to the mamak outside for dinner (After Elly and Diana prayed of course). While we were eating suddenly Iman came up from behind us and joined our table. We haven’t really had the chance to talk to him before. He...has this 'cool' vibe about him u know, even when he answered a stupid question it was so 'cool' we just had to laugh! Especially, ESPECIALLY when Sofiya asked him what's the naughtiest thing he ever did! Oh I can't say it here or he won’t have a girlfriend! That was his statement!

So anyway, today was a funny day for me, I hope there's going to b more to come :)


P/S: I haven’t written in here long cause I’m STILL reading HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS.

Thursday, July 19, 2007


Fuh, what a lovely day I had today... First of all, a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BROTHER!!! HAPPY 22ND BIRTHDAY!!! :)

Anyway, today we’ve planned to go to Midvalley to watch HARRY POTTER! Gosh, it's been years since I've been there! But not much has change and it's nice to go during the weekday without the crowd. Around ten today, the six us crammed into my little kancil! Sorry ibu! Don't think of it as a stupid thing as I've considered every aspect of it in my head beforehand. The plan was to go only the four of us but then Diana invited Lilian and WenLi to join us. Of course I don’t mind but since early on I’ve started to calculate how we're going to go... Eli and I wanted to go by car, but Sofiya and Diana felt like it is rude if we go by car and the two go by KTM. And at first Za'im want to join but once he heard there's going to b six girls he canceled. After considering every aspect of it, I decided to drive, but slowly. And seriously, today I was like, really extra-cautious. Usually with Asilah and the girls I admit I don’t pay that really much attention on the road but today I was like, really calculate my every move and alhamdulillah we arrived there and returned back to Inti safely.

Anyway about Harry Potter, I really didn't want to watch it with a pre-decided perception of it. I didn't actually read any review except those from mouth to mouth of the people I know. See, I read the book so it's like a MUST to watch the book you read come to live on the silver screen. But as I was watching it, I got to admit; the one thing I don’t like about it was the directing. Like in music, I would pay extra attention to the production and same goes to movies but for me it is extra obvious that the direction was a bit... not so good. My favorite still got to be Goblet. That's nice...

All in all, the day was quite okay.

Actually a lot of Intians went to Midvalley today as it's the Yang di-Pertua Negeri Sembilan's birthday so it's a holiday here. I do know that Taufiq and the guys were there too but we didn't bump into each other. Only later when I asked Nik that he said they were sitting in front of me in the cinema!
I was quite tired driving today so when I came back to my room, the thing I did was slept at 9. Ahh, it felt so good. But then I woke up to do some chatting. Around 11.30 I got a message from my ex-school mate, Ali, and he invited me and my friends to go for supper at the mamak bistro outside. We agreed as there's a hidden agenda somewhere there for my roomie... It was fun I got to admit. They were so funny and I miss my guy friends back home so I really felt comfortable as I'm used to being in a group of guys... Let's see, there were me, Sofiya, Diana, Elly, NUR Luqman, Ali, Haniff, Imran, and Iman aka Chili aka another Muadzam student. And now it's like 2 in the morning as I'm writing this and I have class tomorrow at 9 so I think it's time for me to go to bed... *yawns*



Tuesday, July 17, 2007


First of all, to NUR Luqman, (Hehe we like calling him Nur) if you really want to go to the States, you better get yourself familiarized with July the 7th and not 7th of July, okay? (Luqman was looking at my watch earlier and got confused about the date. As if there's a 17th month.)

Anyway today was kind of an interesting one I got to say (I guess things are not a routine if I gave it a chance.) For today our first class was calculus which is at 8 in the morning. I LOVE calculus. Heck, I love anything math, and everything calculative. That's why at my old school, I'd win without fight the votes from my friends for the job as treasurer. Anyway Mr. Fo asked us to do exercises on functions, which I've done during the weekend. Of course la me friends were like, "Don't you have anything better to do at home?" What can you say; I'm a freak for knowledge and love studying... And I love myself for that :) Anyway, while waiting for the rest of them to do the exercise, me and another classmate, Anna, slept. Seriously. At first I thought I'm going to rest my head (I had a headache...) but then I dozed off! Thank God Mr. Fo is so nice and cute! As long as we've done the exercise it's ok to sleep. When we finally started on a new topic, limits, I felt like he was being sarcastic with me and Anna because he said, "We can finish this soon so that you can go back and sleep."

But my friends and I didn't go back straight to our rooms but instead we went to have our brunch at the dining hall and discuss our ENL101 project. We have to do a research and the four of us decided on the topic FIRST CLASS INFRASTRUCTURE, THIRD CLASS MENTALITY. At first it was all okay while we were brainstorming but as the case with Diana, she started to get emotional when it comes to Malay's mentality. So we wrapped it up early.

Anyway, a picture of Eli and Diana:

In the afternoon I slept for three hours and then went to our Chemistry class at four o'clock. It's not a lecture but lab work. Later at six the four of us decided to went out of campus for dinner. But as we went out of the lab Za'im was walking next to me. So as we were talking while on our way to the surau, I felt like it would be rude if we don’t invite him to dinner so we asked if he wants to follow us and he said yes. We're fine with it as Za'im is like one of our gal pal. Anyway like I’ve said to him, he reminds me so much of Faiz!!! Faiz, i miss u! Let's go shopping together again soon!

So, as I was driving, we suddenly saw the one and only Mc'Donald around and Sofiya and Eli were shouting at the back! I'm like, what?! They're so the teruja at the sight of Mc'D kat Nilai! So that was our dinner... Now it's 8.30 and an hour from now is going to be Ugly Betty and Desperate Housewives! The Common Room is going to be full!